So...
What is love?
What is love, really?
I mean, really... What is it?
I have recently come to understand that there are many kinds of love, two of which I'd like to explore a bit in this post.
The first looks at the loved person and notices the flaws. This person cannot tolerate the flaws thus seen, and out of a sense of love and duty and respect and a sincere desire to be helpful and loving offers gentle but insistent comments/critiques/criticisms. Regardless of the reason for the fault, and regardless of the pain inflicted on the loved person by this critique, this person loves others too much to allow such to continue. Trust and love is conditioned/extended based on the compliance and adaptation to the critique.
The second looks at the loved person and notices flaws. But the second person chooses to ignore many/most of the flaws. The person loves without reservation or concern for imperfections - indeed, loves because of the imperfections. It may be difficult at times, overlooking such faults, but patience and kindness reign and love is continually extended. Trust is the default position.
I really tried to write those two paragraphs as objectively as I could, but I guess it's obvious which I prefer, and which I hope I can extend.
I have been thinking a lot about this.
When I grew up, I felt from my father and mother and siblings the second type. I still feel it from them - that they love me unconditionally, unwavering, and in spite of my faults. It is an amazing feeling to feel so accepted, so loved and appreciated and respected. I want to do well so that I can continue in this respect and love, improving myself so that I can be worthy of this love. It is a very positive way of encouraging improvement.
Others I know have grown up in a very different environment. Their love was given/received only as it was earned. Excellence was expected and generally achieved, but because it was expected (nay, demanded!) the only attention or appreciation that was garnered was when something was done poorly. They learned that it is performance that earns others' respect and love. They also learned that negative actions have a deleterious and detrimental effect on their family and friends, and out of fear of loss of respect and even punishment.
I don't disparage others' viewpoint. I guess whatever works for others is what works.
But I wonder how those in what I will call the conditional type ever feel loved. I wonder how others feel loved by them. I wonder a lot of things, I guess.
I had a companion on my mission who was of the conditional type. We were having a companion study one morning when we were prompted by the Missionary Guide (the book we used before Preach My Gospel came out) to talk about an experience with a companion, friend, or family member whom we had loved/learned from in spite of their mistakes. I spoke about an elder who was my companion several months previous and who had trouble keeping the commandments, much less the mission rules. Yet, I loved him. We had great success together, teaching and baptizing. We did not see eye to eye on much, but we really cared for each other and I felt like the Lord blessed us because of that...
My (at the time) current companion had had this elder as a companion before as well. He said - I never loved him. He wasn't worthy of my love. He didn't keep the rules exactly, so how could I love him? You don't keep all the rules either, so I don't love you either. You're not worthy of my love.
I was shocked. I could have guessed that he didn't really care for me - that's fine. You're not required to love your companion (the very thought is ludicrous!) but to actually hear something like that was quite surprising. I didn't know ANYONE on the mission who kept the rules 100% of the time. I tried my best to keep the rules, and I feel like I was a good missionary. But no one is perfect.
So how can one love another if they are unworthy because of imperfection? How can they love themselves? Seems a very frustrating and lonely way to live...
And what right does one have to tell another that they will only love if genuine effort is being made to overcome imperfections?
I honestly don't know.
What is love?
What is love, really?
I mean, really... What is it?
I have recently come to understand that there are many kinds of love, two of which I'd like to explore a bit in this post.
The first looks at the loved person and notices the flaws. This person cannot tolerate the flaws thus seen, and out of a sense of love and duty and respect and a sincere desire to be helpful and loving offers gentle but insistent comments/critiques/criticisms. Regardless of the reason for the fault, and regardless of the pain inflicted on the loved person by this critique, this person loves others too much to allow such to continue. Trust and love is conditioned/extended based on the compliance and adaptation to the critique.
The second looks at the loved person and notices flaws. But the second person chooses to ignore many/most of the flaws. The person loves without reservation or concern for imperfections - indeed, loves because of the imperfections. It may be difficult at times, overlooking such faults, but patience and kindness reign and love is continually extended. Trust is the default position.
I really tried to write those two paragraphs as objectively as I could, but I guess it's obvious which I prefer, and which I hope I can extend.
I have been thinking a lot about this.
When I grew up, I felt from my father and mother and siblings the second type. I still feel it from them - that they love me unconditionally, unwavering, and in spite of my faults. It is an amazing feeling to feel so accepted, so loved and appreciated and respected. I want to do well so that I can continue in this respect and love, improving myself so that I can be worthy of this love. It is a very positive way of encouraging improvement.
Others I know have grown up in a very different environment. Their love was given/received only as it was earned. Excellence was expected and generally achieved, but because it was expected (nay, demanded!) the only attention or appreciation that was garnered was when something was done poorly. They learned that it is performance that earns others' respect and love. They also learned that negative actions have a deleterious and detrimental effect on their family and friends, and out of fear of loss of respect and even punishment.
I don't disparage others' viewpoint. I guess whatever works for others is what works.
But I wonder how those in what I will call the conditional type ever feel loved. I wonder how others feel loved by them. I wonder a lot of things, I guess.
I had a companion on my mission who was of the conditional type. We were having a companion study one morning when we were prompted by the Missionary Guide (the book we used before Preach My Gospel came out) to talk about an experience with a companion, friend, or family member whom we had loved/learned from in spite of their mistakes. I spoke about an elder who was my companion several months previous and who had trouble keeping the commandments, much less the mission rules. Yet, I loved him. We had great success together, teaching and baptizing. We did not see eye to eye on much, but we really cared for each other and I felt like the Lord blessed us because of that...
My (at the time) current companion had had this elder as a companion before as well. He said - I never loved him. He wasn't worthy of my love. He didn't keep the rules exactly, so how could I love him? You don't keep all the rules either, so I don't love you either. You're not worthy of my love.
I was shocked. I could have guessed that he didn't really care for me - that's fine. You're not required to love your companion (the very thought is ludicrous!) but to actually hear something like that was quite surprising. I didn't know ANYONE on the mission who kept the rules 100% of the time. I tried my best to keep the rules, and I feel like I was a good missionary. But no one is perfect.
So how can one love another if they are unworthy because of imperfection? How can they love themselves? Seems a very frustrating and lonely way to live...
And what right does one have to tell another that they will only love if genuine effort is being made to overcome imperfections?
I honestly don't know.
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