...and now for something mildly amusing....

You're welcome.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Remember, kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.

"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."

"I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur."

"I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me."

"If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, 'Can't you make it shoot farther?' 'No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.' "

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."

"What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?" "And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep."

"Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. "

"If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'"

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

"Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out."

"If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. "

"You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood."

"I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around."

"Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are."

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,

because, man, they're gone.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them

down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when

you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a

hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I

bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it

shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the

mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first

instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she

fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they

don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with

some good ideas.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons

(maybe by shoving them down his throat).

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call

them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so

what, can't we all be brothers?

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort

of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out

that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because

I was thinking about doing that anyway.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.

And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real

quick and hand it to him.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word

itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words

"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and

that's why so is mankind.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,

I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've

wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I

went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red

again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a

bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs

in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea

but it's just eggs hatching.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there,

in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good

books.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out

it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like

a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not

putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the

corner."

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call

the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and

started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,

even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is

you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think

it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures,

to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about

adopting the vulture.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe

me?

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and

while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then

put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know

what to tell you.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run

with a wooden stake.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you

think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife?

Trust me, it's not.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a

dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd

look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in

that."

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over

here, looking through your stuff.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not

add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a

fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the

ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a

documentary.

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a

peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and

then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for

yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly

Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person

who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air.

But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"?

I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are

losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and

nobody got scared.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed

me a lot of money."

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,

Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of

the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around

and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This

watering hole is reserved for skeletons."