My dear brothers,
You're missing it.
Your life is passing you by, like a ship in the night, and YOU ARE MISSING IT.
I am no expert on women. Shucks, I can't even understand the things my soon-to-be ten year old daughter thinks/does. But there are a few things I've come to know as (almost) universally true. And at the risk of sounding like I know what I'm talking about, I will share some of them with you:
1. Women are the most sacred trust that God has given to the world. Full stop. If you want a real, constant, and impressive manifestation of God's love of and for His sons, one need look no further than the women who grace our lives. Women are the repository for any/every culture. They are the grace, the beauty, the civilizing influence in our world. They are the sweet mothers of our children. They have a greater influence than any teacher, they are more healing than any nurse, and they are more lovely than a summer's day full of light. There are exceptions, of course. But they are exceptions, and very, very rare.
2. Women are not complicated. Seriously. We (as men) don't understand them for a very fundamental reason: men deal with things linearly, while women deal with things in a multi-faceted way. Men are very good at taking on tasks one at a time, and we quickly become overwhelmed when there is too much to do. Women are very good at thinking about everything, all at once, and solving problems all at the same time. A woman may be spending time with you, directing her attention at you, but chances are she's also thinking about how much toilet paper is left, what to prepare for next week's dinner, how to enhance her ability as a mother, whether or not to pursue that career change/opportunity, and if she wants to get a hair cut. All at the same time. It's not disloyal, it's really quite useful, because it means that we poor saps get to enjoy relative ease/comfort. Just this morning, I ran out of toothpaste. I looked under the sink, and sure enough, there was another tube, waiting for just such an occurrence. I did not put it there. It was done by the sweet, lovely woman who is my wife.
3. Women are not complicated. I know, I said that already. But I know you got distracted there, so I wanted to remind you. What I mean by that is this: women, very much like almost all men, just want to be loved. Loved does NOT mean patronized. Loved does not mean encouraged, cajoled, forced, coerced, looked down upon, disrespected, compared to other women, and/or made to feel inferior. Nor do they necessarily want to be put on a pedestal. Women want to be treated fairly, with equity, respect, and admiration. Just like you do. They want to feel that they have intrinsic worth. Just like you do. They want to be cherished and adored. They want to be consulted and listened to. They want to be with you, feeling your love and attention and respect. They want to be made to feel desirable and attractive (more on that later). All of these things are exactly what you and I want as well. This is NOT complicated.
So the question is, why aren't we better at it?
It's not rocket science. It's the freakin' golden rule. Yet I see guys who are bumbling through this like they have no brains in their heads at all. Fellas... seriously. Listen. If you have a woman in your life (and we all do, in some capacity, whether mother, sister, daughter, wife), if by some amazing miracle you have some female who is willing to put up with you, and if you would like it if she stayed around, just love her. Really love her. And tell her you love her. And SHOW her you love her. Find out what she likes, and do it. If she wants to be cuddled, do it. If she wants to have you clean the bathrooms and kitchen, do it. If she wants poetry and candlelight dinners and bubble baths and clothes shopping and European vacations... do it! I am willing to bet that what she wants is A. incredibly simple; B. relatively easy for you to accomplish (she doesn't really expect/need that much from you, anyway); C. something that will ultimately make YOU happier as well.
Because at the end of the day, and as I pointed out above, we all just want someone to love us. Well, except for psychopaths and/or ruthless killers. People are motivated to love another when love is extended to them. That means if you want to be loved, you must first love others. Love=be loved. That's it. I've told you the key to happiness in a relationship.
Besides, isn't it awesome to love someone? Isn't it? Don't you love it when her heart melts with delight? Doesn't it make you feel incredibly powerful to hear her whisper how much she loves you? Doesn't that melt YOUR heart? What else do you want?!? Why else do you keep breathing? Money? Fame? Prestige? If I haven't impressed my wife with those things, they are of NO worth to me.
4. We are doing a particularly terrible job at making the women in our lives feel attractive. This is a huge failing on our part, perhaps the greatest failing of our age. I recently read a couple of articles that address this point:
http://www.beautyredefined.net/why-fitspiration-isnt-so-inspirational/
and
http://www.beautyredefined.net/redefining-health-part-1-measuring-the-obesity-crisis/
Take a look, fellas. See what we've done. Go ahead. I'll wait....
This point is really just a corollary to the point above. If we really love the women in our lives - viewing them as our companion, our friend, our lover, our mate - we will see them for who they ARE, not just what they look like. This is incredibly difficult for men, and it takes practice. But the reward is SO worth it. Let me give you some pointers:
A. Do not tell her she's fat. Or make oblique comments about weight. Or anything that even comes close. Women are intensely aware of their physical condition vis a vis the rest of Vogue magazine. Stick thin women who eat a grape for dinner are not well equipped to put up with someone like you and me. They simply don't have the energy to put up with the crap we dish out. Plus, they spend all of their time at the gym with some athletic trainer that makes you and me look like dog sick. These are not real women. Additionally, most of them have been photoshopped to the point that they can barely recognize themselves in a photograph anyway. We should encourage women to be healthy, to make wise choices concerning their physical appearance and overall health. But our motive should NEVER be because we are looking for a particular appearance. Rather, our motive should be that we love them, we like it when they are healthy, and we want them to stay with us until we are old and gray and sitting in a couple of rockers together, holding hands and watching a sunset....
B. Women, as I noted above, are intensely aware of the way they look. They can be very brutal to themselves and others when comparing. SO DON'T YOU DO IT. Don't you DARE do it. Do not look at someone on TV or in the movies or in a magazine and say she's beautiful. The women around you know this already. What they hear is - she's beautiful, and you are not. She is thin and sexy and young, and you are not. If only you looked like her, you would be more attractive to me. You may notice other women. But for the love of all that's holy, be careful how you discuss it. It's a mine field. Frankly, if you're unsure of how to proceed, it's best if you don't broach the subject at all. Because it's a very fiddly thing.
I know. It's not right. We all know the women in our lives are absolutely beautiful and desirable. Guys, listen to me. No matter how many times you've told her, it's NOT enough. There is no bank account where she stores the compliments you've given her, so that withdrawals can be taken later when you want to leer at some hottie. Women are conditioned in our society to believe that they are less attractive physically than other women. It sucks. It's not true. But it is as real as the day is light. I have never, ever met any woman that wasn't concerned about the way she looks, at least to some degree. AND IT'S OUR FAULT. We have made them this way. Every time we walk by another women and leer, she takes note. Every time we talk about another woman, positively or negatively, she takes note. Every day, every conversation, every other woman she sees, she's thinking about it. This is what we've done to these precious, angelic, graceful, and beautiful creatures who deign to spend time with us. And it's a tragedy.
C. The solution is easy, but it will take your best efforts and most of your life. Your job is to make her feel like she's the only one you have eyes for. The thing is, you have to do it sincerely, or her BS meter will go off and she'll feel even worse. Tell her you love her. Praise the way she looks, but don't stop there. Notice little things she does that obviously took a lot of time/effort. Spend time with her. Take her hand in public. Stand close to her (don't hover, for heaven's sake) but show her that you are proud to be seen with her. Brag about her a bit. It's OK to be silly, punch drunk in love with her. She likes that. A lot.
You know what's interesting, guys? You'll never know greater joy and satisfaction. Nothing you could ever do in your life will mean as much as winning her love, and keeping it. She will brag about you to her friends. She will love you and treat you like you want to be treated because she loves you (not just because it's the right thing to do, which is the default position for women, anyway). You will find incredible joy and satisfaction from your relationship with her. And all will be right with the world.
D. How you look at a woman, every woman, is key. Look at her face. Full stop. That's it. LOOK AT HER EYES. You don't have to stare at them, but, like when you're talking to other men, look her in the eye. Women find it ever so much more meaningful and beneficial to have a conversation with a guy who isn't staring at their breasts. I know, it's nearly impossible not to notice. That's OK. Women don't mind being appreciated. Neither do you. But for the love... please, like the line from Seinfeld - just get the essence, and then back to the face. This is something that takes practice. But do it. Trust me. It's worth it.
E. If you are lucky enough to have a daughter, start early with helping her understand that you love her. This seems like a little thing, but do not underestimate it. Tell her she is pretty. But don't stop there. She hears that all the time, anyway. Tell her you love her and that you're proud of her. Spend meaningful time getting to know her. Talk (!) to her. Try doing some of the things she likes to do. Encourage her to try new things and praise her when she accomplishes things. Discuss things that are important to you with her. Ask her opinion about things, and listen carefully to what she says. She's going to blow you away with her depth of feeling and understanding. Help her, above all, to understand that her worth and value is not tied to how she looks, but who she is. If we start early enough, and if we are sincere and consistent, we will find our daughters better prepared to handle the onslaught of negative images they get from the world at large, and from punky, bad-intentioned young men and women specifically.
5. Relationships with women are really not that different from relationships with other men. The only differences lend themselves to incredible richness and completeness. As I stated above, the women of the world are the repository for the culture, civilization, beauty, grace, and goodness of our collective society. They are the ennobling, gentling, sweet influence that makes life worth living. They are to be treasured, respected, loved, and cherished for who they are, not for what they look like. If we, as men, could see the women in our lives for who they really, really are, we would never have cause to be anything but supportive and loving. And I feel in my heart that happiness and satisfaction would increase across the board. We would all be so much happier if we could only find a way to love each other better...
You're missing it.
Your life is passing you by, like a ship in the night, and YOU ARE MISSING IT.
I am no expert on women. Shucks, I can't even understand the things my soon-to-be ten year old daughter thinks/does. But there are a few things I've come to know as (almost) universally true. And at the risk of sounding like I know what I'm talking about, I will share some of them with you:
1. Women are the most sacred trust that God has given to the world. Full stop. If you want a real, constant, and impressive manifestation of God's love of and for His sons, one need look no further than the women who grace our lives. Women are the repository for any/every culture. They are the grace, the beauty, the civilizing influence in our world. They are the sweet mothers of our children. They have a greater influence than any teacher, they are more healing than any nurse, and they are more lovely than a summer's day full of light. There are exceptions, of course. But they are exceptions, and very, very rare.
2. Women are not complicated. Seriously. We (as men) don't understand them for a very fundamental reason: men deal with things linearly, while women deal with things in a multi-faceted way. Men are very good at taking on tasks one at a time, and we quickly become overwhelmed when there is too much to do. Women are very good at thinking about everything, all at once, and solving problems all at the same time. A woman may be spending time with you, directing her attention at you, but chances are she's also thinking about how much toilet paper is left, what to prepare for next week's dinner, how to enhance her ability as a mother, whether or not to pursue that career change/opportunity, and if she wants to get a hair cut. All at the same time. It's not disloyal, it's really quite useful, because it means that we poor saps get to enjoy relative ease/comfort. Just this morning, I ran out of toothpaste. I looked under the sink, and sure enough, there was another tube, waiting for just such an occurrence. I did not put it there. It was done by the sweet, lovely woman who is my wife.
3. Women are not complicated. I know, I said that already. But I know you got distracted there, so I wanted to remind you. What I mean by that is this: women, very much like almost all men, just want to be loved. Loved does NOT mean patronized. Loved does not mean encouraged, cajoled, forced, coerced, looked down upon, disrespected, compared to other women, and/or made to feel inferior. Nor do they necessarily want to be put on a pedestal. Women want to be treated fairly, with equity, respect, and admiration. Just like you do. They want to feel that they have intrinsic worth. Just like you do. They want to be cherished and adored. They want to be consulted and listened to. They want to be with you, feeling your love and attention and respect. They want to be made to feel desirable and attractive (more on that later). All of these things are exactly what you and I want as well. This is NOT complicated.
So the question is, why aren't we better at it?
It's not rocket science. It's the freakin' golden rule. Yet I see guys who are bumbling through this like they have no brains in their heads at all. Fellas... seriously. Listen. If you have a woman in your life (and we all do, in some capacity, whether mother, sister, daughter, wife), if by some amazing miracle you have some female who is willing to put up with you, and if you would like it if she stayed around, just love her. Really love her. And tell her you love her. And SHOW her you love her. Find out what she likes, and do it. If she wants to be cuddled, do it. If she wants to have you clean the bathrooms and kitchen, do it. If she wants poetry and candlelight dinners and bubble baths and clothes shopping and European vacations... do it! I am willing to bet that what she wants is A. incredibly simple; B. relatively easy for you to accomplish (she doesn't really expect/need that much from you, anyway); C. something that will ultimately make YOU happier as well.
Because at the end of the day, and as I pointed out above, we all just want someone to love us. Well, except for psychopaths and/or ruthless killers. People are motivated to love another when love is extended to them. That means if you want to be loved, you must first love others. Love=be loved. That's it. I've told you the key to happiness in a relationship.
Besides, isn't it awesome to love someone? Isn't it? Don't you love it when her heart melts with delight? Doesn't it make you feel incredibly powerful to hear her whisper how much she loves you? Doesn't that melt YOUR heart? What else do you want?!? Why else do you keep breathing? Money? Fame? Prestige? If I haven't impressed my wife with those things, they are of NO worth to me.
4. We are doing a particularly terrible job at making the women in our lives feel attractive. This is a huge failing on our part, perhaps the greatest failing of our age. I recently read a couple of articles that address this point:
http://www.beautyredefined.net/why-fitspiration-isnt-so-inspirational/
and
http://www.beautyredefined.net/redefining-health-part-1-measuring-the-obesity-crisis/
Take a look, fellas. See what we've done. Go ahead. I'll wait....
This point is really just a corollary to the point above. If we really love the women in our lives - viewing them as our companion, our friend, our lover, our mate - we will see them for who they ARE, not just what they look like. This is incredibly difficult for men, and it takes practice. But the reward is SO worth it. Let me give you some pointers:
A. Do not tell her she's fat. Or make oblique comments about weight. Or anything that even comes close. Women are intensely aware of their physical condition vis a vis the rest of Vogue magazine. Stick thin women who eat a grape for dinner are not well equipped to put up with someone like you and me. They simply don't have the energy to put up with the crap we dish out. Plus, they spend all of their time at the gym with some athletic trainer that makes you and me look like dog sick. These are not real women. Additionally, most of them have been photoshopped to the point that they can barely recognize themselves in a photograph anyway. We should encourage women to be healthy, to make wise choices concerning their physical appearance and overall health. But our motive should NEVER be because we are looking for a particular appearance. Rather, our motive should be that we love them, we like it when they are healthy, and we want them to stay with us until we are old and gray and sitting in a couple of rockers together, holding hands and watching a sunset....
B. Women, as I noted above, are intensely aware of the way they look. They can be very brutal to themselves and others when comparing. SO DON'T YOU DO IT. Don't you DARE do it. Do not look at someone on TV or in the movies or in a magazine and say she's beautiful. The women around you know this already. What they hear is - she's beautiful, and you are not. She is thin and sexy and young, and you are not. If only you looked like her, you would be more attractive to me. You may notice other women. But for the love of all that's holy, be careful how you discuss it. It's a mine field. Frankly, if you're unsure of how to proceed, it's best if you don't broach the subject at all. Because it's a very fiddly thing.
I know. It's not right. We all know the women in our lives are absolutely beautiful and desirable. Guys, listen to me. No matter how many times you've told her, it's NOT enough. There is no bank account where she stores the compliments you've given her, so that withdrawals can be taken later when you want to leer at some hottie. Women are conditioned in our society to believe that they are less attractive physically than other women. It sucks. It's not true. But it is as real as the day is light. I have never, ever met any woman that wasn't concerned about the way she looks, at least to some degree. AND IT'S OUR FAULT. We have made them this way. Every time we walk by another women and leer, she takes note. Every time we talk about another woman, positively or negatively, she takes note. Every day, every conversation, every other woman she sees, she's thinking about it. This is what we've done to these precious, angelic, graceful, and beautiful creatures who deign to spend time with us. And it's a tragedy.
C. The solution is easy, but it will take your best efforts and most of your life. Your job is to make her feel like she's the only one you have eyes for. The thing is, you have to do it sincerely, or her BS meter will go off and she'll feel even worse. Tell her you love her. Praise the way she looks, but don't stop there. Notice little things she does that obviously took a lot of time/effort. Spend time with her. Take her hand in public. Stand close to her (don't hover, for heaven's sake) but show her that you are proud to be seen with her. Brag about her a bit. It's OK to be silly, punch drunk in love with her. She likes that. A lot.
You know what's interesting, guys? You'll never know greater joy and satisfaction. Nothing you could ever do in your life will mean as much as winning her love, and keeping it. She will brag about you to her friends. She will love you and treat you like you want to be treated because she loves you (not just because it's the right thing to do, which is the default position for women, anyway). You will find incredible joy and satisfaction from your relationship with her. And all will be right with the world.
D. How you look at a woman, every woman, is key. Look at her face. Full stop. That's it. LOOK AT HER EYES. You don't have to stare at them, but, like when you're talking to other men, look her in the eye. Women find it ever so much more meaningful and beneficial to have a conversation with a guy who isn't staring at their breasts. I know, it's nearly impossible not to notice. That's OK. Women don't mind being appreciated. Neither do you. But for the love... please, like the line from Seinfeld - just get the essence, and then back to the face. This is something that takes practice. But do it. Trust me. It's worth it.
E. If you are lucky enough to have a daughter, start early with helping her understand that you love her. This seems like a little thing, but do not underestimate it. Tell her she is pretty. But don't stop there. She hears that all the time, anyway. Tell her you love her and that you're proud of her. Spend meaningful time getting to know her. Talk (!) to her. Try doing some of the things she likes to do. Encourage her to try new things and praise her when she accomplishes things. Discuss things that are important to you with her. Ask her opinion about things, and listen carefully to what she says. She's going to blow you away with her depth of feeling and understanding. Help her, above all, to understand that her worth and value is not tied to how she looks, but who she is. If we start early enough, and if we are sincere and consistent, we will find our daughters better prepared to handle the onslaught of negative images they get from the world at large, and from punky, bad-intentioned young men and women specifically.
5. Relationships with women are really not that different from relationships with other men. The only differences lend themselves to incredible richness and completeness. As I stated above, the women of the world are the repository for the culture, civilization, beauty, grace, and goodness of our collective society. They are the ennobling, gentling, sweet influence that makes life worth living. They are to be treasured, respected, loved, and cherished for who they are, not for what they look like. If we, as men, could see the women in our lives for who they really, really are, we would never have cause to be anything but supportive and loving. And I feel in my heart that happiness and satisfaction would increase across the board. We would all be so much happier if we could only find a way to love each other better...
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