Today in Sunday school the lesson was on Job.
I can't ever remember struggling so hard in a lesson.
I sat in the room and listened to people give answers to some of the most difficult questions in life. And it really, really bothered me. The responses seemed so rote, so practiced and polished and ... I don't know. I wanted to say unfeeling but I think that's a bit disingenuous. Surely people feel these things. And surely people have gone through difficult times. And just as surely everyone is affected by circumstances differently. We all struggle with things, and we all struggle in our own way.
The tragedies and losses and reversals of Job were awful. Some would undoubtedly be more affected by different losses than others. For me, the biggest and hardest would be the perfidy of Job's wife. To break faith with someone, to abandon them when all else was going south, to implore him to curse God and die... That would be the worst. I'm not sure how I would handle that.
I thought of the various answers to the questions in the class, even some from quotes from General Authorities. And I really struggled to not be angry. Ok, I was angry. But I really struggled with not giving in to that feeling and lashing out.
I believe in God. I believe He is the great Sovereign of the universe. And I also know He has an influence and interest in my life. Me. Personally. It's a heady, almost hubristic thought. But I have had too many experiences to believe otherwise.
So I also believe that things have meaning, that there's a purpose for the things we experience, and that suffering can be an ennobling, sanctifying, and empowering thing. My frustration stems from the why. Why do we have to learn in this way? Isn't there an easier way? Couldn't we just learn from books or listening to others or whatever?
Perhaps the answer is no. There is no other way.
But I want to know why. And I want to know why, right now. I don't want to wait for some nebulous future when all of this will be resolved.
My faith is strong. Never fear. I'm just a struggler.
Maybe that's where my anger stems from, really, with the others in Sunday school - maybe I'm jealous of their apparent ease and easy understanding. The lack of internal struggle or strife. The lack of questioning WHY?!?
But then, I don't know if I'd want to be like that, even if I could. I do relish the pursuit of knowledge, almost as much as the attainment.
I can't ever remember struggling so hard in a lesson.
I sat in the room and listened to people give answers to some of the most difficult questions in life. And it really, really bothered me. The responses seemed so rote, so practiced and polished and ... I don't know. I wanted to say unfeeling but I think that's a bit disingenuous. Surely people feel these things. And surely people have gone through difficult times. And just as surely everyone is affected by circumstances differently. We all struggle with things, and we all struggle in our own way.
The tragedies and losses and reversals of Job were awful. Some would undoubtedly be more affected by different losses than others. For me, the biggest and hardest would be the perfidy of Job's wife. To break faith with someone, to abandon them when all else was going south, to implore him to curse God and die... That would be the worst. I'm not sure how I would handle that.
I thought of the various answers to the questions in the class, even some from quotes from General Authorities. And I really struggled to not be angry. Ok, I was angry. But I really struggled with not giving in to that feeling and lashing out.
I believe in God. I believe He is the great Sovereign of the universe. And I also know He has an influence and interest in my life. Me. Personally. It's a heady, almost hubristic thought. But I have had too many experiences to believe otherwise.
So I also believe that things have meaning, that there's a purpose for the things we experience, and that suffering can be an ennobling, sanctifying, and empowering thing. My frustration stems from the why. Why do we have to learn in this way? Isn't there an easier way? Couldn't we just learn from books or listening to others or whatever?
Perhaps the answer is no. There is no other way.
But I want to know why. And I want to know why, right now. I don't want to wait for some nebulous future when all of this will be resolved.
My faith is strong. Never fear. I'm just a struggler.
Maybe that's where my anger stems from, really, with the others in Sunday school - maybe I'm jealous of their apparent ease and easy understanding. The lack of internal struggle or strife. The lack of questioning WHY?!?
But then, I don't know if I'd want to be like that, even if I could. I do relish the pursuit of knowledge, almost as much as the attainment.
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